Illustration by Maia Grecco.
I think that’s what we ought to call each other now. I’ve always thought that “ex” sounded too harsh, but somehow, calling you “friend” seems to almost discount the intimate time we shared together.
I’m afraid that I haven’t been doing very well. I know that isn’t what you want to hear but I think it’s important that we’re honest with each other. I have been thinking about you a lot lately and although you broke my heart, I still have very soft memories of you.
I’m a writer and you’ve always known that writing is the only way I know how to clearly express myself. You like to write too and I remember the first time you wrote to me you admitted that expressing yourself wasn’t your strong suit. As time went by, I grew to love this character flaw so deeply ingrained within you, just like I grew to love everything else about you. I never anticipated that it would tear you away from me and I could have never prepared myself for how that was going to make me feel.
I don’t think I ever properly told you how much you meant to me. I know that you doubted yourself in our relationship but I can promise you that no one has ever made me feel as loved as you did. Your smile always made me feel warm and your hugs could cheer me up even on the worst of days. I loved the way your hair sprung into tight curls when it rained, the way your glasses always slid down your nose, and the way your smell lingered on my bed sheets after you left. I find myself getting caught up in memories of your little quirks and remembering your favourite things when I least expect myself to. These thoughts fill me with ambivalence but they almost always end in tears.
For a while I’ve been wrestling with words trying to find the right way to articulate how much I valued our time together. You are still one of my favourite people in the world. I’m certain that I will never meet another person like you in my life; maybe that’s why I’m still having a hard time grasping your sudden disappearance. When think of the last time we saw each other, I remember the look on your face and it makes me feel sick. And then, just when I start to feel angry towards you, I soften because I remember that the only person who understands how great of a loss I feel right now is you. While this was your choice, you lost something too. I don’t know if it is affecting you the way it is affecting me but I choose to believe that I was important to you. I don’t blame you for anything but please know that this breaks my heart more than you will ever know.
I think I finally understand what you meant when you told me that sharing your emotions made you feel vulnerable and fragile because that is how I have felt every day since you left. Because of you, I am scared to love again and because of you, I feel unsure that I ever will. I’m going to try my best to move on, but I know that a part of me will always love you even if you don’t feel the same.
I know that you’ve never really been one with words and I shouldn’t expect to ever hear from you again. I’m trying my best to move forward but for some reason things don’t seem to be getting easier. Every day that we spend apart is a painful reminder that I loved you more than you loved me. I thought that we would have so much more time together. How did we end up like this?
I miss you terribly and the memories of your love still makes my head spin. That is why you can never read this letter.
Molly Kay is a language and literature student who spends most of her time reading and hanging out with her Chihuahua called Peanut. You can follow her on Instagram.